My second pregnancy...

We found out we were pregnant again in September 2011. It only took 3 months again! We were very excited and very hopeful and positive about the outcomes of this pregnancy. I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks as a precautionary routine. I was very anxious about 12 and 13 weeks. I made sure I did everything right. At my 12 week ultrasound there was a bleed at the top of my uterus, which actually dipped down. It was small, but I had to take it easy.

A few days later, I woke up to cramping that turned into contracting and later on bleeding heavily and clots. It was a Friday. I got an ultrasound twice that day and the bleed had been doubling in size each time. I stayed overnight in the hospital for observation and was prepared for a miscarriage that I knew wasn't going to happen.... and in the morning everything was fine, so I was sent home. At lunch it all started again. Lots of bleeding and strong contractions. After going to get another ultrasound, everything looked better actually. The bleed had decreased in size and the baby was still fine.

A few hours later at about 11:45 pm, I delivered my baby in the sac. In my toilet. Alone. I screamed for Marco to come. I had to scoop it out and bring it to the hospital. I was still bleeding and passing clots. The car ride to the hospital was the longest and worst car ride I've ever taken. Once I got to the hospital the nurses tried to help me and told me I was miscarrying and I kept screaming and sobbing that I wasn't. It was the most devastating, most horrible, most shocking experience. I think my mind knew what happened, but my heart didn't want to and was still holding out for hope that the baby would still be on the ultrasound screen.

I never thought this would happen. I never thought this would happen to my baby. Or us. It's not fair. I've heard the term miscarriage before and have heard of people miscarrying before, but you don't really understand what it's like. But I do now. We lost our baby.  He was growing so well, and was always so happily dancing in there. He measured 2 days ahead. He passed at 12w5d, but was measuring 12w7d.

Why did this happen? My stupid non-functional uterus. I hated my body. All because of my uterus, that's why I'm not pregnant with a happily growing baby inside anymore. The dr's said there was just too much blood.

I asked to see my baby, but they told me they couldn't tamper with anything. They said it was probably all just pieces of the placenta and blood. I knew I delivered my baby fully intact and inside the sac. I wanted to hold my baby so badly.