How I feel...

Getting surgery on Friday is bittersweet....I am ready to fix my uterus, but I am also angry because I should still be pregnant and not have to be going through this.

I am still grieving my sweet little one...I know that probably won't ever go away....there will be times when I feel fine and am happy, then all of a sudden I am sad or angry about what happened. I wish so badly I could turn back time and change everything that happened. But I can't. So I must move forward with a strong face and keep my head up.

I still wish I could've seen my baby before they took him away for testing. I keep randomly thinking about that and it really frustrates me. I asked for the report on the testing and it said that he was perfect and completely in tact with 10 fingers and 10 toes. I imagine how tiny he was. He was 7.5 cm (3 inches) and 26 grams (just under an ounce).  I'm kind of angry that they don't let you decide what you want to do with your baby's body....to me he was human like anyone else and should be treated and respected as one. He just didn't get to live life on the outside, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a final resting place.

I've been asked 'are you sure you would have wanted to remember him like that?' ...well I think it may have been better than replaying the sack delivery and screams and trauma in my head...in all honesty though, I probably would have passed out....I'm trying to focus on imagining what he looks like now, happy in heaven, playing and being held and loved by his late relatives. I'm sure he is just as cute and fun as his big sister.

I know he is with us every day in spirit, and he will always be acknowledged as a part of our family.

When I think about pregnancy now, it is a very terrifying thing. It's risky, scary, and unpredictable....not at all what I used to think...so screw everyone on t.v. who makes it look super easy and fun and happy. Maybe the multimedia industry should consider those of us who struggle with it, and educate everyone else on what can happen, instead of making it look like a piece of cake. I hope some day I am able to experience pregnancy bliss, but I'm sure I will always be a nervous wreck.