I was so sick about what happened....it's all I could think about...I couldn't stop crying....I just felt so heartbroken and empty and sad. And I thought the insensitive preemie comments and daily reminders such as commercials were bad..... Thankfully, I have an awesome supportive family and friends that helped pick me up off my feet. Lyla was my little sunshine through it all.
I tried to focus on ways to memorialize the baby and focus on me and feeling good and healthy. It also helped to talk to other women who had been in my shoes and hear their stories. Writing is also very therapeutic for me. Sometimes it's a lot easier than talking about it.
After a few weeks, I started to feel like myself again. I was happy to get back in a routine and be there with Lyla. I wanted to do fun things with her. It took a while before I wouldn't cry on a daily basis. I would certainly think about my little angel baby daily, but not always cry. There are so many times though, that there will be the most random or obvious reminders of what happened, and will upset me, therefore the rest of the day I'm pretty much a mess.
My sweet little angel baby has visited me in my dreams...I think to let me know he's okay. One dream I remember was that I was nursing him. It was a beautiful dream that I didn't want to end. Another time I woke up from a nap frantically looking for a baby around the house, it took me a little while to realize that the only baby in the house was Lyla and she was sound asleep and fine in her crib. I think my little guy was snuggling with me and had to leave abruptly. I wish I could have more dreams with him, but I'm sure he's having too much fun playing in heaven to spend time with his mama.
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