We got our positive pregnancy test in January of 2010. It was the most amazing and surreal feeling in the world. We were a little shocked that it only took 3 months to get pregnant. But, we were so excited and of course, starting thinking of all the things we needed to do to prepare for a baby. The name game was fun. I also really enjoyed trying to plan out how I would decorate the nursery.
We were very excited to see the baby at our first ultrasound. When we went in, we were not able to see a heartbeat, but we were able to see a yolk sac. We were about 5 weeks, so we had to reschedule another ultrasound a week later. When we went in at 6 weeks, there was a nice strong heartbeat! Breathtaking.
Everything was perfectly normal until 12 weeks. I got a call from the nurse who said it looked like the placenta was low, so I needed to take it easy. At 13 weeks I woke up to blood everywhere. We had many ultrasounds and checks and no one could figure out why I was bleeding. The baby always looked fine and dandy, but it looked as though I had a mullerian anomaly, called bicornuate uterus aka heart-shaped uterus. The baby was in one side, or horn, of my uterus, and there was an 8 cm bleed in the other, which was the same size as the baby.
I was put on strict bedrest at home. I had passed many large clots and was having severe cramping/contractions a week later, but I was told if I was going to miscarry, there was nothing anyone could do. I had an ultrasound every week, and everything always checked out fine. I never once thought I would lose my baby. I stayed positive and focused on one day holding my baby. It was really hard to be on bedrest, but I was going to do anything for that baby.
After everything was fine for a few weeks, I was put on modified bedrest. I was so excited to get to move around a bit. I wanted to show off that little bump that was beginning to show.
At 26 weeks, I woke up to the blood again. We went into labor and delivery and I was put on monitors. A few minutes later the nurse frantically ran in and asked me if I felt 'that' and I asked her, 'what? the baby moving?' and she said 'no...you are contracting every 4 minutes...we need to check you.' I was 1 cm dilated and still bleeding, so I was put out with tons of medications....the only ones I remember getting are the steroids for the baby's lungs to develop faster and magnesium to stop the contractions and help the baby's brain. I remember passing out and then waking up and feeling like I got ran over by a bus a few times. The neonatologists came to inform us of the outcomes of a baby being born at 26 weeks. I didn't believe that we would have a baby....and we ended up going home a few days later....and I was still pregnant.
At 28 weeks, I had a few strange things happen that led me to believe I was going into labor again, so we went back into L&D. Everything looked fine except my blood pressures were high, so they kept me over night to test/observe. Once again, the blood. And then the magnesium aka getting hit by a bus. The next day I felt horrible and had a headache that wouldn't go away. After lots of bloodwork and other tests, and consultations with the fetal and maternal medicine team, I was told I needed to have the baby. I was in complete shock and frankly didn't want to, it wasn't time. But it was either that, or die. So after a long/complicated/scary labor...Lyla was born weighing 1 lb 13 oz and 12.5 in long. She had her ups and downs in the nicu and stayed for 2 months.
Those 2 months in the nicu were so scary. I was in robot 'mom' mode. I didn't feel like a mom, but I knew I had a baby and there were things I needed to do for that baby, so I did them religiously. I definitely didn't feel like myself and it definitely didn't feel like we had made a family. It sucked, but my baby was alive and was going to make it and I knew we would take her home. She was a strong little girl. Such a fighter. When we brought her home, I finally felt a little happiness, the kind you are supposed to feel when you have a baby...not the scary feelings I felt. It started to feel real and what I assumed it was supposed to feel like to make a family.
I felt like I got cheated on the pregnancy experience. It sucked. I didn't want to leave my baby hooked up to wires and monitors and leave her in a hospital. She was supposed to be growing inside of me. Every day I ran into some kind of reminder, whether it was an insensitive comment from someone or just a commercial, it always made me feel bad. I hated being anywhere but with her and all I wanted was to constantly feel her. I was so dedicated to kangaroo care and pumping, and for those 2 things, Lyla was healthier.
After that experience, I was so terrified of ever having to go through any of that ever again that I vowed I didn't want any more children, and hated my body for sucking at pregnancy.
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