I am feeling much better today, just very exhausted and still coughing a little...I have to take deep breaths periodically and hold it to try and get the remainder fluid out of my lungs.
I feel like we have defeated our earth baby's life-challenger and my angel baby's life-taker. I just cannot believe that the septum was taking up 3/4 the space in my uterus. It divided it into 2 spaces, meaning there was only 1/8 of space on each side. And the septum came all the way down to the opening at the cervix. That is a lot of space for that thing, and very little space for my babies. There is very little, if any, blood supply on the septum, so if any part of the pregnancy implants on it, there is no chance for survival. The doctor explained to me how when I was forming in the womb, the uterus starts as 2 parts and combines into one. Mine didn't completely fuse on the inside, leaving the septum. It looks very similar to the bicornuate uterus, because it has 2 separate parts, which is why it is usually mistaken for the bicornuate uterus. The difference is that the bicornuate uterus doesn't completely fuse on the outside either, making it completely heart-shaped, whereas the septate uterus is like a heard inside a circle, if that makes sense. Lyla was occupying my right side of my uterus and I bled from my left side at 13 weeks, which the doctor said could have very well been that side of my uterus shedding it's lining, essentially having a period. When I was pregnant with my little butterfly, he was more in the center, on my cervix, really having no room at all, and both sides of my uterus may have been trying to shed it's lining, causing way too much blood, and no room to get out, and ended up pushing out my little angel. Each dr has a different theory as to what it could have been causing the bleeding around 12 and 13 weeks. It's hard for them to know because it is so unknown. I just hope that taking out the septum, removes any future complications. I am holding on to every last bit of hope I've got.
Having children should never ever be taken for granted. Each one is a blessing.
I am so thankful for all of the wonderful doctors that have taken care of me and my family. I think God sent us to Houston knowing what kinds of challenges we would be facing, so that we could be handled by some of the best doctors in this country. Doctors are kind of like parents, except they have a lot of children to look after. They might not always be right or nice or have good things to tell you, but they try their best and take care of you as best as they know how to. I can imagine how stressful it can be at times and how many people you have to care for and worry about.
I am also thankful again for everyone's kind thoughts and words and for those of you taking the time to read this. Initially, I created this blog to get my feelings out and to sort out my thoughts. I had a lot of emotions bottled up that I needed to get out, and the best way for me is to write it. I debated a lot about sharing this blog, and was nervous because I didn't know what types of reactions I would get from people, or if anyone would even read it. But to my surprise, I have gotten outpouring of love and heartfelt messages from so many people, I am really so thankful for. It really lifts my spirits and keeps me on a positive track.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Feeling the love...
I just wanted to thank everyone who has been so supportive and sweet to me during these difficult times. It really means a lot to me. I love that my writing can give others courage to speak out and reach out to me. It really helps to have such a wonderful support system and know I'm not alone going through what I am going through. All your kind words and prayers, and even just reading this makes me feel better <3
Post surgery...
I am home on the couch feeling well at the moment. The procedure went fine...had a few obstacles of course. The last thing I remember before I had my 'cocktail' was talking about Christmas decorations...then I woke up to the feeling of being drowned...
The doctor said that the septum was taking up 3/4 of my uterus....which is A LOT. Lyla is such a miracle...my poor peanuts had no space in there...anyway he said he got about 80% removed when my lungs started filling up with fluid. So they had to stop and bring me back fast. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, throat (from the tube), and was having a hard time breathing and breathing very fast and coughing. They gave me meds to help get the fluid out of my lungs, and steroids and breathing treatments to help open my airways. Then lots of oxygen for a couple of ours until my stats got back to normal.
After I was coherent and breathing fine and my face wasn't a swollen balloon, the dr came in and explained everything to me. He said they use a lot of fluid for the procedure and once they started cutting in to the septum, it was very vascular and I started bleeding heavily, so they placed a balloon in there to stop the bleeding and continued. Because it is vascular and all the cutting, my body started to absorb too much fluid and it went to my lungs.
I know my sweet little angel was watching over me and protecting his mommy :)
I have to take some hormones to help it heal and go back in 4 weeks to get the procedure done again and remove the rest of the septum that is left, which is about 20%. Not looking forward to that, but it is what it is.
I can say that I truly know the meaning of 'parents will do anything for their children.'
The doctor said that the septum was taking up 3/4 of my uterus....which is A LOT. Lyla is such a miracle...my poor peanuts had no space in there...anyway he said he got about 80% removed when my lungs started filling up with fluid. So they had to stop and bring me back fast. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, throat (from the tube), and was having a hard time breathing and breathing very fast and coughing. They gave me meds to help get the fluid out of my lungs, and steroids and breathing treatments to help open my airways. Then lots of oxygen for a couple of ours until my stats got back to normal.
After I was coherent and breathing fine and my face wasn't a swollen balloon, the dr came in and explained everything to me. He said they use a lot of fluid for the procedure and once they started cutting in to the septum, it was very vascular and I started bleeding heavily, so they placed a balloon in there to stop the bleeding and continued. Because it is vascular and all the cutting, my body started to absorb too much fluid and it went to my lungs.
I know my sweet little angel was watching over me and protecting his mommy :)
I have to take some hormones to help it heal and go back in 4 weeks to get the procedure done again and remove the rest of the septum that is left, which is about 20%. Not looking forward to that, but it is what it is.
I can say that I truly know the meaning of 'parents will do anything for their children.'
Dear Angel Baby...
Today is my surgery to hopefully repair all my baby-carrying problems. I'm doing this for all of my kids...earth babies and angel babies and future babies. Hopefully today will change all of our lives for the better and we can have a happy and heart-full future. It is such a bittersweet day....I'm very happy and anxious to do this, but also scared and nervous and worried and a bit emotional..... I also have regrets that this wasn't fixed earlier...it is what costed my baby his life....I always think about the fact that I could still be pregnant with my sweet little butterfly. I hope my little angel is watching over me and taking care of his mama while the surgery takes place.
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
Author Unknown
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
Author Unknown
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
How I feel...
Getting surgery on Friday is bittersweet....I am ready to fix my uterus, but I am also angry because I should still be pregnant and not have to be going through this.
I am still grieving my sweet little one...I know that probably won't ever go away....there will be times when I feel fine and am happy, then all of a sudden I am sad or angry about what happened. I wish so badly I could turn back time and change everything that happened. But I can't. So I must move forward with a strong face and keep my head up.
I still wish I could've seen my baby before they took him away for testing. I keep randomly thinking about that and it really frustrates me. I asked for the report on the testing and it said that he was perfect and completely in tact with 10 fingers and 10 toes. I imagine how tiny he was. He was 7.5 cm (3 inches) and 26 grams (just under an ounce). I'm kind of angry that they don't let you decide what you want to do with your baby's body....to me he was human like anyone else and should be treated and respected as one. He just didn't get to live life on the outside, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a final resting place.
I've been asked 'are you sure you would have wanted to remember him like that?' ...well I think it may have been better than replaying the sack delivery and screams and trauma in my head...in all honesty though, I probably would have passed out....I'm trying to focus on imagining what he looks like now, happy in heaven, playing and being held and loved by his late relatives. I'm sure he is just as cute and fun as his big sister.
I know he is with us every day in spirit, and he will always be acknowledged as a part of our family.
When I think about pregnancy now, it is a very terrifying thing. It's risky, scary, and unpredictable....not at all what I used to think...so screw everyone on t.v. who makes it look super easy and fun and happy. Maybe the multimedia industry should consider those of us who struggle with it, and educate everyone else on what can happen, instead of making it look like a piece of cake. I hope some day I am able to experience pregnancy bliss, but I'm sure I will always be a nervous wreck.
I am still grieving my sweet little one...I know that probably won't ever go away....there will be times when I feel fine and am happy, then all of a sudden I am sad or angry about what happened. I wish so badly I could turn back time and change everything that happened. But I can't. So I must move forward with a strong face and keep my head up.
I still wish I could've seen my baby before they took him away for testing. I keep randomly thinking about that and it really frustrates me. I asked for the report on the testing and it said that he was perfect and completely in tact with 10 fingers and 10 toes. I imagine how tiny he was. He was 7.5 cm (3 inches) and 26 grams (just under an ounce). I'm kind of angry that they don't let you decide what you want to do with your baby's body....to me he was human like anyone else and should be treated and respected as one. He just didn't get to live life on the outside, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a final resting place.
I've been asked 'are you sure you would have wanted to remember him like that?' ...well I think it may have been better than replaying the sack delivery and screams and trauma in my head...in all honesty though, I probably would have passed out....I'm trying to focus on imagining what he looks like now, happy in heaven, playing and being held and loved by his late relatives. I'm sure he is just as cute and fun as his big sister.
I know he is with us every day in spirit, and he will always be acknowledged as a part of our family.
When I think about pregnancy now, it is a very terrifying thing. It's risky, scary, and unpredictable....not at all what I used to think...so screw everyone on t.v. who makes it look super easy and fun and happy. Maybe the multimedia industry should consider those of us who struggle with it, and educate everyone else on what can happen, instead of making it look like a piece of cake. I hope some day I am able to experience pregnancy bliss, but I'm sure I will always be a nervous wreck.
Fixing my uterus...
After lots of research and discussion, we decided to take a step toward trying to conceive again in the future and preventing another miscarriage. I ended up doing a lot of research, which I should have done a long time ago, and finding a lot of information.
I had my first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist and was so nervous. I was scared he wouldn't know enough about mullerian anomalies, but to my surprise, he was very knowledgeable, and eased my fears.
He said it sounded like I had a septate uterus, rather than a bicornuate, which is actually what I suspected after all of my research.
A week later I had an ultrasound to determine whether my uterus was in fact septate or bicornuate. The results: septate. I had the dr throughly show me and explain it to me.
I asked him if that is what could have caused the bleeding and miscarriage and he said it was absolutely the cause of the miscarriage, and possibly the bleeding. No relation to the pre-eclampsia. There is limited blood supply on the septum, so if part or all of the placenta implants on it, it will die off, causing the bleeding. It could have been the case when I was having complications with Lyla. Usually if any part implants on the septum, there is no chance of survival, usually causing early miscarriage, with the exception of later miscarriages that are more rare. Successful pregnancies are not common with a septate uterus. Lyla is such a true little miracle, beating all the odds. It's unbelievable.
The next step to fixing my uterus: surgery, which is scheduled for Friday. The dr in the practice who specializes in resecting septums will be preforming the hysteroscopy. There will be a microscope placed in my uterus and the septum will be removed using a lazer. It is a 1 hour surgery. I will need another hysteroscopy done 4 weeks later to make sure the septum was completely removed.
Having this done will increase my chances of carrying a baby immensely. I will still be at risk for incompetent cervix and pre-term labor, but not for miscarriage. If I am watched closely throughout a pregnancy, the incompetent cervix and pre-term labor should be caught soon and not cause any problems.
I had my first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist and was so nervous. I was scared he wouldn't know enough about mullerian anomalies, but to my surprise, he was very knowledgeable, and eased my fears.
He said it sounded like I had a septate uterus, rather than a bicornuate, which is actually what I suspected after all of my research.
Septate uterus (SU): The müllerian tract has fused properly and the uterus looks single from the outside, but the inner duct wall (i.e. the median septum) has failed to dissolve around 20 weeks of gestation, and the uterus retains a double cavity. There may or may not be a shallow groove of 1.5 centimeters or less on the outer uterine dome, and sometimes even a whitish triangle of tissue, the septum itself, is visible. The somewhat fibrous inner septum extends to the internal cervical opening or beyond in a complete septate uterus, and extends only part of the way down in a partial septate or subseptate uterus. The inadequate blood supply and progesterone receptors of the median septum may cause problems in pregnancy, giving the SU the worst pregnancy outcomes of all the MAs. SEE IMAGE BELOW.
Septate uterus
taken from: http://mulleriananomalies.blogspot.com/
A week later I had an ultrasound to determine whether my uterus was in fact septate or bicornuate. The results: septate. I had the dr throughly show me and explain it to me.
I asked him if that is what could have caused the bleeding and miscarriage and he said it was absolutely the cause of the miscarriage, and possibly the bleeding. No relation to the pre-eclampsia. There is limited blood supply on the septum, so if part or all of the placenta implants on it, it will die off, causing the bleeding. It could have been the case when I was having complications with Lyla. Usually if any part implants on the septum, there is no chance of survival, usually causing early miscarriage, with the exception of later miscarriages that are more rare. Successful pregnancies are not common with a septate uterus. Lyla is such a true little miracle, beating all the odds. It's unbelievable.
The next step to fixing my uterus: surgery, which is scheduled for Friday. The dr in the practice who specializes in resecting septums will be preforming the hysteroscopy. There will be a microscope placed in my uterus and the septum will be removed using a lazer. It is a 1 hour surgery. I will need another hysteroscopy done 4 weeks later to make sure the septum was completely removed.
Having this done will increase my chances of carrying a baby immensely. I will still be at risk for incompetent cervix and pre-term labor, but not for miscarriage. If I am watched closely throughout a pregnancy, the incompetent cervix and pre-term labor should be caught soon and not cause any problems.
Life after a miscarriage...
I was so sick about what happened....it's all I could think about...I couldn't stop crying....I just felt so heartbroken and empty and sad. And I thought the insensitive preemie comments and daily reminders such as commercials were bad..... Thankfully, I have an awesome supportive family and friends that helped pick me up off my feet. Lyla was my little sunshine through it all.
I tried to focus on ways to memorialize the baby and focus on me and feeling good and healthy. It also helped to talk to other women who had been in my shoes and hear their stories. Writing is also very therapeutic for me. Sometimes it's a lot easier than talking about it.
After a few weeks, I started to feel like myself again. I was happy to get back in a routine and be there with Lyla. I wanted to do fun things with her. It took a while before I wouldn't cry on a daily basis. I would certainly think about my little angel baby daily, but not always cry. There are so many times though, that there will be the most random or obvious reminders of what happened, and will upset me, therefore the rest of the day I'm pretty much a mess.
My sweet little angel baby has visited me in my dreams...I think to let me know he's okay. One dream I remember was that I was nursing him. It was a beautiful dream that I didn't want to end. Another time I woke up from a nap frantically looking for a baby around the house, it took me a little while to realize that the only baby in the house was Lyla and she was sound asleep and fine in her crib. I think my little guy was snuggling with me and had to leave abruptly. I wish I could have more dreams with him, but I'm sure he's having too much fun playing in heaven to spend time with his mama.
I tried to focus on ways to memorialize the baby and focus on me and feeling good and healthy. It also helped to talk to other women who had been in my shoes and hear their stories. Writing is also very therapeutic for me. Sometimes it's a lot easier than talking about it.
After a few weeks, I started to feel like myself again. I was happy to get back in a routine and be there with Lyla. I wanted to do fun things with her. It took a while before I wouldn't cry on a daily basis. I would certainly think about my little angel baby daily, but not always cry. There are so many times though, that there will be the most random or obvious reminders of what happened, and will upset me, therefore the rest of the day I'm pretty much a mess.
My sweet little angel baby has visited me in my dreams...I think to let me know he's okay. One dream I remember was that I was nursing him. It was a beautiful dream that I didn't want to end. Another time I woke up from a nap frantically looking for a baby around the house, it took me a little while to realize that the only baby in the house was Lyla and she was sound asleep and fine in her crib. I think my little guy was snuggling with me and had to leave abruptly. I wish I could have more dreams with him, but I'm sure he's having too much fun playing in heaven to spend time with his mama.
My second pregnancy...
We found out we were pregnant again in September 2011. It only took 3 months again! We were very excited and very hopeful and positive about the outcomes of this pregnancy. I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks as a precautionary routine. I was very anxious about 12 and 13 weeks. I made sure I did everything right. At my 12 week ultrasound there was a bleed at the top of my uterus, which actually dipped down. It was small, but I had to take it easy.
A few days later, I woke up to cramping that turned into contracting and later on bleeding heavily and clots. It was a Friday. I got an ultrasound twice that day and the bleed had been doubling in size each time. I stayed overnight in the hospital for observation and was prepared for a miscarriage that I knew wasn't going to happen.... and in the morning everything was fine, so I was sent home. At lunch it all started again. Lots of bleeding and strong contractions. After going to get another ultrasound, everything looked better actually. The bleed had decreased in size and the baby was still fine.
A few hours later at about 11:45 pm, I delivered my baby in the sac. In my toilet. Alone. I screamed for Marco to come. I had to scoop it out and bring it to the hospital. I was still bleeding and passing clots. The car ride to the hospital was the longest and worst car ride I've ever taken. Once I got to the hospital the nurses tried to help me and told me I was miscarrying and I kept screaming and sobbing that I wasn't. It was the most devastating, most horrible, most shocking experience. I think my mind knew what happened, but my heart didn't want to and was still holding out for hope that the baby would still be on the ultrasound screen.
I never thought this would happen. I never thought this would happen to my baby. Or us. It's not fair. I've heard the term miscarriage before and have heard of people miscarrying before, but you don't really understand what it's like. But I do now. We lost our baby. He was growing so well, and was always so happily dancing in there. He measured 2 days ahead. He passed at 12w5d, but was measuring 12w7d.
Why did this happen? My stupid non-functional uterus. I hated my body. All because of my uterus, that's why I'm not pregnant with a happily growing baby inside anymore. The dr's said there was just too much blood.
I asked to see my baby, but they told me they couldn't tamper with anything. They said it was probably all just pieces of the placenta and blood. I knew I delivered my baby fully intact and inside the sac. I wanted to hold my baby so badly.
A few days later, I woke up to cramping that turned into contracting and later on bleeding heavily and clots. It was a Friday. I got an ultrasound twice that day and the bleed had been doubling in size each time. I stayed overnight in the hospital for observation and was prepared for a miscarriage that I knew wasn't going to happen.... and in the morning everything was fine, so I was sent home. At lunch it all started again. Lots of bleeding and strong contractions. After going to get another ultrasound, everything looked better actually. The bleed had decreased in size and the baby was still fine.
A few hours later at about 11:45 pm, I delivered my baby in the sac. In my toilet. Alone. I screamed for Marco to come. I had to scoop it out and bring it to the hospital. I was still bleeding and passing clots. The car ride to the hospital was the longest and worst car ride I've ever taken. Once I got to the hospital the nurses tried to help me and told me I was miscarrying and I kept screaming and sobbing that I wasn't. It was the most devastating, most horrible, most shocking experience. I think my mind knew what happened, but my heart didn't want to and was still holding out for hope that the baby would still be on the ultrasound screen.
I never thought this would happen. I never thought this would happen to my baby. Or us. It's not fair. I've heard the term miscarriage before and have heard of people miscarrying before, but you don't really understand what it's like. But I do now. We lost our baby. He was growing so well, and was always so happily dancing in there. He measured 2 days ahead. He passed at 12w5d, but was measuring 12w7d.
Why did this happen? My stupid non-functional uterus. I hated my body. All because of my uterus, that's why I'm not pregnant with a happily growing baby inside anymore. The dr's said there was just too much blood.
I asked to see my baby, but they told me they couldn't tamper with anything. They said it was probably all just pieces of the placenta and blood. I knew I delivered my baby fully intact and inside the sac. I wanted to hold my baby so badly.
Thinking about pregnancy again...
In the spring of 2011, we started thinking about having another baby. We looked at our options and thought maybe we could consider adoption. After much research, we didn't think it would work out for us. Then, we decided to look into conceiving again. A couple of dr's had mentioned me getting surgery on my uterus, but we weren't keen on the idea, so we decided to get a test done to look at my uterus to confirm that it was bicornuate. In May, I got the HSG done. Basically they inject fluid in your uterus and take xrays of it. The tech told me I didn't have a septum and that it was bicornuate.
After this, I honestly should have done more research, but I was so excited to try to get pregnant again, and there really isn't much surface information. Your really have to dig for it. Plus, I didn't want to read anything scary on the internet either. We were very positive and hopeful that the next pregnancy would have a totally different outcome.
After this, I honestly should have done more research, but I was so excited to try to get pregnant again, and there really isn't much surface information. Your really have to dig for it. Plus, I didn't want to read anything scary on the internet either. We were very positive and hopeful that the next pregnancy would have a totally different outcome.
My first pregnancy...
We got our positive pregnancy test in January of 2010. It was the most amazing and surreal feeling in the world. We were a little shocked that it only took 3 months to get pregnant. But, we were so excited and of course, starting thinking of all the things we needed to do to prepare for a baby. The name game was fun. I also really enjoyed trying to plan out how I would decorate the nursery.
We were very excited to see the baby at our first ultrasound. When we went in, we were not able to see a heartbeat, but we were able to see a yolk sac. We were about 5 weeks, so we had to reschedule another ultrasound a week later. When we went in at 6 weeks, there was a nice strong heartbeat! Breathtaking.
Everything was perfectly normal until 12 weeks. I got a call from the nurse who said it looked like the placenta was low, so I needed to take it easy. At 13 weeks I woke up to blood everywhere. We had many ultrasounds and checks and no one could figure out why I was bleeding. The baby always looked fine and dandy, but it looked as though I had a mullerian anomaly, called bicornuate uterus aka heart-shaped uterus. The baby was in one side, or horn, of my uterus, and there was an 8 cm bleed in the other, which was the same size as the baby.
I was put on strict bedrest at home. I had passed many large clots and was having severe cramping/contractions a week later, but I was told if I was going to miscarry, there was nothing anyone could do. I had an ultrasound every week, and everything always checked out fine. I never once thought I would lose my baby. I stayed positive and focused on one day holding my baby. It was really hard to be on bedrest, but I was going to do anything for that baby.
After everything was fine for a few weeks, I was put on modified bedrest. I was so excited to get to move around a bit. I wanted to show off that little bump that was beginning to show.
At 26 weeks, I woke up to the blood again. We went into labor and delivery and I was put on monitors. A few minutes later the nurse frantically ran in and asked me if I felt 'that' and I asked her, 'what? the baby moving?' and she said 'no...you are contracting every 4 minutes...we need to check you.' I was 1 cm dilated and still bleeding, so I was put out with tons of medications....the only ones I remember getting are the steroids for the baby's lungs to develop faster and magnesium to stop the contractions and help the baby's brain. I remember passing out and then waking up and feeling like I got ran over by a bus a few times. The neonatologists came to inform us of the outcomes of a baby being born at 26 weeks. I didn't believe that we would have a baby....and we ended up going home a few days later....and I was still pregnant.
At 28 weeks, I had a few strange things happen that led me to believe I was going into labor again, so we went back into L&D. Everything looked fine except my blood pressures were high, so they kept me over night to test/observe. Once again, the blood. And then the magnesium aka getting hit by a bus. The next day I felt horrible and had a headache that wouldn't go away. After lots of bloodwork and other tests, and consultations with the fetal and maternal medicine team, I was told I needed to have the baby. I was in complete shock and frankly didn't want to, it wasn't time. But it was either that, or die. So after a long/complicated/scary labor...Lyla was born weighing 1 lb 13 oz and 12.5 in long. She had her ups and downs in the nicu and stayed for 2 months.
Those 2 months in the nicu were so scary. I was in robot 'mom' mode. I didn't feel like a mom, but I knew I had a baby and there were things I needed to do for that baby, so I did them religiously. I definitely didn't feel like myself and it definitely didn't feel like we had made a family. It sucked, but my baby was alive and was going to make it and I knew we would take her home. She was a strong little girl. Such a fighter. When we brought her home, I finally felt a little happiness, the kind you are supposed to feel when you have a baby...not the scary feelings I felt. It started to feel real and what I assumed it was supposed to feel like to make a family.
I felt like I got cheated on the pregnancy experience. It sucked. I didn't want to leave my baby hooked up to wires and monitors and leave her in a hospital. She was supposed to be growing inside of me. Every day I ran into some kind of reminder, whether it was an insensitive comment from someone or just a commercial, it always made me feel bad. I hated being anywhere but with her and all I wanted was to constantly feel her. I was so dedicated to kangaroo care and pumping, and for those 2 things, Lyla was healthier.
After that experience, I was so terrified of ever having to go through any of that ever again that I vowed I didn't want any more children, and hated my body for sucking at pregnancy.
We were very excited to see the baby at our first ultrasound. When we went in, we were not able to see a heartbeat, but we were able to see a yolk sac. We were about 5 weeks, so we had to reschedule another ultrasound a week later. When we went in at 6 weeks, there was a nice strong heartbeat! Breathtaking.
Everything was perfectly normal until 12 weeks. I got a call from the nurse who said it looked like the placenta was low, so I needed to take it easy. At 13 weeks I woke up to blood everywhere. We had many ultrasounds and checks and no one could figure out why I was bleeding. The baby always looked fine and dandy, but it looked as though I had a mullerian anomaly, called bicornuate uterus aka heart-shaped uterus. The baby was in one side, or horn, of my uterus, and there was an 8 cm bleed in the other, which was the same size as the baby.
I was put on strict bedrest at home. I had passed many large clots and was having severe cramping/contractions a week later, but I was told if I was going to miscarry, there was nothing anyone could do. I had an ultrasound every week, and everything always checked out fine. I never once thought I would lose my baby. I stayed positive and focused on one day holding my baby. It was really hard to be on bedrest, but I was going to do anything for that baby.
After everything was fine for a few weeks, I was put on modified bedrest. I was so excited to get to move around a bit. I wanted to show off that little bump that was beginning to show.
At 26 weeks, I woke up to the blood again. We went into labor and delivery and I was put on monitors. A few minutes later the nurse frantically ran in and asked me if I felt 'that' and I asked her, 'what? the baby moving?' and she said 'no...you are contracting every 4 minutes...we need to check you.' I was 1 cm dilated and still bleeding, so I was put out with tons of medications....the only ones I remember getting are the steroids for the baby's lungs to develop faster and magnesium to stop the contractions and help the baby's brain. I remember passing out and then waking up and feeling like I got ran over by a bus a few times. The neonatologists came to inform us of the outcomes of a baby being born at 26 weeks. I didn't believe that we would have a baby....and we ended up going home a few days later....and I was still pregnant.
At 28 weeks, I had a few strange things happen that led me to believe I was going into labor again, so we went back into L&D. Everything looked fine except my blood pressures were high, so they kept me over night to test/observe. Once again, the blood. And then the magnesium aka getting hit by a bus. The next day I felt horrible and had a headache that wouldn't go away. After lots of bloodwork and other tests, and consultations with the fetal and maternal medicine team, I was told I needed to have the baby. I was in complete shock and frankly didn't want to, it wasn't time. But it was either that, or die. So after a long/complicated/scary labor...Lyla was born weighing 1 lb 13 oz and 12.5 in long. She had her ups and downs in the nicu and stayed for 2 months.
Those 2 months in the nicu were so scary. I was in robot 'mom' mode. I didn't feel like a mom, but I knew I had a baby and there were things I needed to do for that baby, so I did them religiously. I definitely didn't feel like myself and it definitely didn't feel like we had made a family. It sucked, but my baby was alive and was going to make it and I knew we would take her home. She was a strong little girl. Such a fighter. When we brought her home, I finally felt a little happiness, the kind you are supposed to feel when you have a baby...not the scary feelings I felt. It started to feel real and what I assumed it was supposed to feel like to make a family.
I felt like I got cheated on the pregnancy experience. It sucked. I didn't want to leave my baby hooked up to wires and monitors and leave her in a hospital. She was supposed to be growing inside of me. Every day I ran into some kind of reminder, whether it was an insensitive comment from someone or just a commercial, it always made me feel bad. I hated being anywhere but with her and all I wanted was to constantly feel her. I was so dedicated to kangaroo care and pumping, and for those 2 things, Lyla was healthier.
After that experience, I was so terrified of ever having to go through any of that ever again that I vowed I didn't want any more children, and hated my body for sucking at pregnancy.
What I thought it would be like...
I always imagined being a mother...I remember carrying my baby dolls with me everywhere when I was little and taking really good care of them, and feeling like their mother. I couldn't wait to see what it would really feel like to be a mother. As I got older, I couldn't wait to see what it would feel like to be pregnant. Always seeing pregnant women in public or on t.v. made me wonder what it would feel like and imagine how happy and excited I would be.
I never realized that there were many complications and heartache that could go along with being pregnant and being a mother.
I never realized that there were many complications and heartache that could go along with being pregnant and being a mother.
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