New blog...

the smore's life

Getting close to my 'scary time'...

I am 10.5 weeks, and my 'scary time' is getting close fast. I've already had a dream that I started to bleed, but in the dream everything was fine. I think subconsciously I am freaking out, even though on the surface I am trying to keep my composure and reassure myself that everything is going to be fine. Thankfully, I will be in a happy relaxing place during this 'scary time' which should hopefully help me stay reassured everything will be fine. I am going to take it easy and enjoy time with family and friends. And of course eat my heart out with all the delicious food that will be surrounding me.

So far everything has been perfect. I have been taking it as easy as possible and taking extra precautions that probably make people think I'm crazy...but to me it's not worth it to take any risks. My last ultrasound was the other day and everything looked perfect. It even looked like there was much more room for the baby in there. Now the pregnancy can take up the space of my whole uterus. The baby was so happy and dancing away in there! I compared pictures of my 3 babies at 10 weeks and they all look so similar, but yet I can notice little differences in them. My sweet babies.

I am ready to overcome my scary time and feel relieved when everything is fine.

Going back in time...

Here is the one year year video of Lyla's life....

http://vimeo.com/40592429

with the March of Dimes walks right around the corner, please consider walking or donating to help babies.

Pregnancy, Round Three...

The cycle after my surgery I was so worked up on getting pregnant. I was crafting baby stuff for other people and hoarding some for myself for our future baby, and I was taking vitamins in hopes that it would prepare my body and help me ovulate. When I was supposed to be ovulating, I started having some pain and went in to the dr. They told me I just had a cyst burst and that it did look like I ovulated, but from the blood work it didn't look like I was pregnant, so I should be getting my period. I was super depressed about it. I started testing anyway. When it still didn't come, I kept testing and they were all negative. I decided to just let go. I realized none of this was in my control and I needed to relax and let my plan unfold.

A week later, still nothing. One morning I was so sleepy, but mid-pee the thought to test came rushing to my mind. So I did, and I seriously could not believe my eyes. I saw a second line appearing. None of this made sense. I did not understand how this could be happening, except that I let go, and let God. He decided to bless us. I was overjoyed and crying. I took multiple tests that day and that week to make sure it was real.

It was. I started to worry about what I was eating and what I was doing. I decided I needed to take it easy and just pray and stay positive and relaxed. None of this is in my control. I just need to take care of myself. I made my appointments, and the waiting game began. Some morning sickness also began, but it made me happy. I bet you've never heard a pregnant woman say they were happy about this. But I am. And I will be even more happy for any more of the 'typical' pregnancy symptoms to occur.

I am taking this pregnancy day by day, and thanking God each day that I am pregnant with a precious little one. I just had my first ultrasound and found out I was 6w1d. Got to see a little flicker of a heartbeat and it was so reassuring and refreshing to know that I have a little one safe and sound in there. Wish I could see that every day, but I have pictures and prayers to keep me going until my next appointment! So far my due date is November 20. So thankful and blessed!

A baby is a part of your life from the first day you find out you are pregnant, when you see the 2 pink lines. You should cherish every moment.

Post surgery #2...

So glad I'm done with surgery. The septum was successfully and completely removed. And good news is that there is a good blood supply to the uterine wall where the septum was, which is important for when an embryo implants. The doctor made an incision to check and he said everything looks great now.  I am a little more sore this time, and I am on hormones again for 3 weeks to assist with the healing. Luckily we had no complications like last time. The only thing different was that I started to get some hives, so I was given benedryl. Not sure why that happened, but they went away immediately. Now I will just have some follow up doctor's appointments and then I can move on.

So thankful my uterus is finally fixed. Hopefully these surgeries have fixed all of my pregnancy issues and some day I can experience a 'normal' pregnancy and have a healthy take-home baby.

2nd/last surgery...

Tomorrow is the day. Glad to get it over with. Ready to move on and experience joy in my life again. Love to my angel baby in heaven.

Random thoughts...

I am feeling much better today, just very exhausted and still coughing a little...I have to take deep breaths periodically and hold it to try and get the remainder fluid out of my lungs.

I feel like we have defeated our earth baby's life-challenger and my angel baby's life-taker. I just cannot believe that the septum was taking up 3/4 the space in my uterus. It divided it into 2 spaces, meaning there was only 1/8 of space on each side. And the septum came all the way down to the opening at the cervix. That is a lot of space for that thing, and very little space for my babies. There is very little, if any, blood supply on the septum, so if any part of the pregnancy implants on it, there is no chance for survival. The doctor explained to me how when I was forming in the womb, the uterus starts as 2 parts and combines into one. Mine didn't completely fuse on the inside, leaving the septum. It looks very similar to the bicornuate uterus, because it has 2 separate parts, which is why it is usually mistaken for the bicornuate uterus. The difference is that the bicornuate uterus doesn't completely fuse on the outside either, making it completely heart-shaped, whereas the septate uterus is like a heard inside a circle, if that makes sense. Lyla was occupying my right side of my uterus and I bled from my left side at 13 weeks, which the doctor said could have very well been that side of my uterus shedding it's lining, essentially having a period. When I was pregnant with my little butterfly, he was more in the center, on my cervix, really having no room at all, and both sides of my uterus may have been trying to shed it's lining, causing way too much blood, and no room to get out, and ended up pushing out my little angel. Each dr has a different theory as to what it could have been causing the bleeding around 12 and 13 weeks. It's hard for them to know because it is so unknown. I just hope that taking out the septum, removes any future complications. I am holding on to every last bit of hope I've got.

Having children should never ever be taken for granted. Each one is a blessing.

I am so thankful for all of the wonderful doctors that have taken care of me and my family. I think God sent us to Houston knowing what kinds of challenges we would be facing, so that we could be handled by some of the best doctors in this country. Doctors are kind of like parents, except they have a lot of children to look after. They might not always be right or nice or have good things to tell you, but they try their best and take care of you as best as they know how to. I can imagine how stressful it can be at times and how many people you have to care for and worry about.

I am also thankful again for everyone's kind thoughts and words and for those of you taking the time to read this. Initially, I created this blog to get my feelings out and to sort out my thoughts. I had a lot of emotions bottled up that I needed to get out, and the best way for me is to write it. I debated a lot about sharing this blog, and was nervous because I didn't know what types of reactions I would get from people, or if anyone would even read it. But to my surprise, I have gotten outpouring of love and heartfelt messages from so many people, I am really so thankful for. It really lifts my spirits and keeps me on a positive track.

Feeling the love...

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been so supportive and sweet to me during these difficult times. It really means a lot to me. I love that my writing can give others courage to speak out and reach out to me. It really helps to have such a wonderful support system and know I'm not alone going through what I am going through. All your kind words and prayers, and even just reading this makes me feel better <3

Post surgery...

I am home on the couch feeling well at the moment. The procedure went fine...had a few obstacles of course. The last thing I remember before I had my 'cocktail' was talking about Christmas decorations...then I woke up to the feeling of being drowned...

The doctor said that the septum was taking up 3/4 of my uterus....which is A LOT. Lyla is such a miracle...my poor peanuts had no space in there...anyway he said he got about 80% removed when my lungs started filling up with fluid. So they had to stop and bring me back fast. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, throat (from the tube), and was having a hard time breathing and breathing very fast and coughing. They gave me meds to help get the fluid out of my lungs, and steroids and breathing treatments to help open my airways. Then lots of oxygen for a couple of ours until my stats got back to normal.

After I was coherent and breathing fine and my face wasn't a swollen balloon, the dr came in and explained everything to me. He said they use a lot of fluid for the procedure and once they started cutting in to the septum, it was very vascular and I started bleeding heavily, so they placed a balloon in there to stop the bleeding and continued. Because it is vascular and all the cutting, my body started to absorb too much fluid and it went to my lungs.

I know my sweet little angel was watching over me and protecting his mommy :)

I have to take some hormones to help it heal and go back in 4 weeks to get the procedure done again and remove the rest of the septum that is left, which is about 20%. Not looking forward to that, but it is what it is.

I can say that I truly know the meaning of 'parents will do anything for their children.'

Dear Angel Baby...

Today is my surgery to hopefully repair all my baby-carrying problems. I'm doing this for all of my kids...earth babies and angel babies and future babies. Hopefully today will change all of our lives for the better and we can have a happy and heart-full future. It is such a bittersweet day....I'm very happy and anxious to do this, but also scared and nervous and worried and a bit emotional..... I also have regrets that this wasn't fixed earlier...it is what costed my baby his life....I always think about the fact that I could still be pregnant with my sweet little butterfly.  I hope my little angel is watching over me and taking care of his mama while the surgery takes place.


A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
Author Unknown